


Kiss & Tell

by adayathogwarts (JustAnotherMaybe)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A bit OOC?, Dark Hermione Granger, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter Friendship, Jaded Hermione Granger, Minor Ron Weasley Bashing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 23:20:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29497926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustAnotherMaybe/pseuds/adayathogwarts
Summary: What happens when the Ministry decides to kiss and tell? Hermione Granger gets to laugh.
Relationships: Hermione Granger & Harry Potter
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Kiss & Tell

Pansy Parkinson couldn't help but sneer at the Gryffindor bitch. _This_ was the woman who'd helped stop their Dark Lord? Some Mudblood hag? She wasn't even fit to be a Pureblood's side piece, let alone the object of a Pureblood's desire.

And, it was about damn time Weasley realised it - even if he was barely a Pureblood, the blood traitor. 

"I heard the funniest little rumour this morning, Granger," she began, her voice carrying throughout the hall. "Apparently, no amount of fame can fix your personality, looks, or… well, can fix _you_ , it seems. How's it feel to be dumped by a Weasley?"

On the other end of the table, Hermione Granger rolled her eyes. "I'm not sure, Parkinson. I think your source was a bit misinformed." Turning to face the ex-Slytherin, Hermione said, "Ron and I are no longer together, but it certainly wasn't his choice. Besides, that's hardly news. The story's over a year old. I'm afraid you're _several_ months too late for that to be juicy."

"Oh?"

"Yes. He wanted to sleep around, and I wanted good sex. We just weren't able to give each other what we needed."

"Are you sure it was his fault? From what I've heard, the witches he's been with the past year have been saying he's quite well endowed, not to mention fabulous in bed."

"The only thing well endowed on that boy is his ego. And he's only fabulous if you think a lacklustre four thrusts followed is great," Hermione said, wiggling her fingers in the form of a rainbow as she finished speaking. "And don't even get me started on the face he makes when he orgasms. No, I'm fairly certain sex is something you Purebloods just don't know how to do, I'm afraid. And if you're going to cheat, at least learn a little discretion, right?"

Next to his best friend, Harry laughed, shaking his head. 

"Excuse me?"

"Just take your father, for example, Pansy."

"My father?!"

"Of course," Hermione said. "In fact, I heard just last night that he was caught macking on some poor ministry official! I bet it makes the _Profit_ this morning, actually. How embarrassing, the _Ministry_ kissing and telling."

"What're you going on about," Pansy screeched. 

"Come along, Harry. We've got potions in half an hour, and I'd love to make sure I have a chance to properly get set up," Hermione said, grabbing her bookbag from under the table. "Plus, we both know you've not even opened the book yet. Let's get going."

As Hermione Granger and Harry Potter exited the Great Hall, the morning post owls swarmed the tables, dropping packages and papers all across the tables. Pansy grabbed the first copy of the _Daily Profit_ she could find, desperate to see what the insufferable know-it-all could possibly have been talking about.

As she read the headline, an anguished scream escaped her lips, and she couldn't help but burst into tears.

_~ * ~ * ~_

Hermione and Harry burst into laughter, the minute they got to the dungeons. "So, think Parkinson's clever enough to catch on?"

"Oh, I doubt it," Hermione said, laughing. "Feels good to get one up on her. Bullying little brat. Honestly, we're war-heroes, for Godric's sake. In what world am I supposed to _still_ be crying over Ron _fucking_ Weasley?"

"Ginny'll be pissed with you."

"And? Honestly, I have no clue what I was thinking, coming back. I love learning, and I've missed the castle, but I can't say I've missed too many of our classmates. I should have just taken my exams and run, especially after everything that's happened to us, the last few years."

"Hey, if you're thinking of dropping out, let me know," Harry said, smiling. "I'm just here because of you. And besides, it could be worse."

"How?"

"Ron could have come back with us," Harry said, snickering. 

Hermione punched her friend on the shoulder. "Please, I have enough trauma from the war. Don't fuel my nightmares, you arse," she said, smiling. 

_~ * ~ * ~_

Theo walked up to breakfast late, having slept in for an extra few minutes. To his surprise, as he walked through the door, a crying Pansy pushed him out of the way. 

As he approached Draco and Blaise, he couldn't help but ask, "What's wrong with Pansy?"

Instead of giving him a response, Blaise just handed him a copy of that morning's paper. In bold, black print, Theo found his answer.

**_Death's Hunger: Partricus Parkinson Administered the Dementor's Kiss for War Crimes against Muggleborns_ **

Malfoy laughed, dry and hollow. "Granger was right. The Ministry really does like to Kiss and tell, don't they?"

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So, this is just a little random piece I decided to write? 
> 
> Honestly, I've thought about turning this into a little series, but I'm not really sure I'll go through with it. What do you think??? If I do, it's going to feature a notably darker Hermione/Harry mix, and a fed-up Hermione, as well.


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